Love And War: Is there a reason?

Love And War: Is there a reason?: Is there a legitimate reason I feel the way I do? Is there a concrete message that I am being sent and not knowing or realizing what it'...

Love And War: Understanding Bipolar and Depression in layman terms

Love And War: Understanding Bipolar and Depression in layman terms: I am a patient at North Star Behavioral Center and I have learned so much about my diseases such as PTSD, bipolar, depression and anxiety. T...

Love And War: Untold Insecurities

Love And War: Untold Insecurities: I fell deep inside the rabbit hole of what I thought was filled with promise, a push to believe in myself, confidence and a chance to become...

Untold Insecurities

I fell deep inside the rabbit hole of what I thought was filled with promise, a push to believe in myself, confidence and a chance to become fearless. It was all a mirage in my own mind. Filled with stupid and silly teen girl thoughts of being loved in a way that I thought was better. I was led to believe that the one who truly believed in me was loving me wrong. When in fact he was loving me the right way just different. Yes we have had a lot of downs and rough patches but we managed to pull through help each other and get passed whatever allied us. We've helped each other through some really tough times. 

I've wrecked a beautiful thing with the internet and that is the same as cheating. Not once, not twice , but Three times with sacred photos that should never should of been shared with anyone. I now not only lost trust in my partner now it has turned around on me. I can not blame him because I feel like a pig. I'm very insecure about my body and these other people helped with that as disgusting as that sounds. I completely hate myself for it and no one will ever understand the shame i bear inside ever damn day. One of my children know so that makes it even 10x worse and I don't know how to handle that and I'm struggling with it. The mask of shame is thick, fierce, and almost like a permanent marker. I needed a self confidence booster and i didn't believe i was getting from the one i wanted from so i took it in a hole different direction. As hard as my partner will believe this he kind of taught me a little bit of how to do that way. I took it upon myself to be exposed and used as a pawn to satisfy another, in the mean time I'm becoming more and more depressed. I lost all the self respect I thought I had for myself. When i go into public I wonder did that see me or this one? How could I have done this to my family or my children or my grandchild? 

I guess I set myself up for self destruction and didn't even realize it. I have had bad dreams lately and I am not sure what they mean but they are self harm dreams. The first one I was standing naked in front of my full length mirror starring back and forth at my weight bench and my body holding a knife in my hand and I slit both my wrist  long ways as if I wanted to die. I've never dreamed of that before. I have thought about how the world would be with out me but that was just thoughts not action type things. Then I had another dream two nights later standing in front of the same mirror looking at the same naked body and my wrists were bandaged but i still had the knife. This time I cut a deep cross over my heart and 5-6 deep slashes all over my abdomen. I don't know what these dreams mean. I was told not to read to much into them but to me they mean something because I don't normally dream for 1. For 2 they felt very real and I woke up very shaky and sweaty. Finally, there has been a series of events this week following my dreams that have my nerves twisted into many directions. 

Whether I let someone use me or not I still let it happen and hurt the people I hold the closest to me but why? Is there a rhyme or reason to this craziness? Do I not really know what my self worth really is? Or what it really means? Is there really a need to feel wanted for affection, sexually, physically, and unconditionally through others eyes to make you feel some type of way in your relationship with another? What would drive one to go that far after 5 years? 

Understanding Bipolar and Depression in layman terms

I am a patient at North Star Behavioral Center and I have learned so much about my diseases such as PTSD, bipolar, depression and anxiety. They are very serious conditions that many don't understand. My anxiety and depression are the worst. I really don't understand the part where i have my worst anxiety attacks when i feel more at ease. I've been woken up in the middle of the night during a sound sleep with my heart racing, feeling like I can't breath, and when i try to stand I am all shaky and feel like i'm going to pass out. It's extreme sometimes and it wipes me right out being left to feel exhausted as if i had just ran a marathon.
I believe it's my subconscious on the run without me knowing with all the stresses running through it. My fear runs high all the time as well like I really believe I am going to fail at everything I do even when I know I won't. I love writing and I think it's very therapeutic to do these blogs because i feel like i can talk about anything and there will be at least one person out there who is reading and maybe i can help them or vice versa. I come up with some weird stuff I know and use a lot of metaphors but i also know some out there will understand exactly how I am feeling and understand what I am trying to say without really coming out and saying it.   

Is there a reason?

Is there a legitimate reason I feel the way I do? Is there a concrete message that I am being sent and not knowing or realizing what it's meant to tell me? I feel more a lone than usual and because feeling like such a failure is so over whelming. I've been feeling like this for a while now. I'm exhausted because I am always stonewalled when it comes to the business i want to start. For god sake I've been trying to get it up for two and a half years now. Every damn time I try to get hooked up with the right people and have the courage, ambition and positive thought I get slammed in the face yet again for the hundredth time. Every time I turn around there is always something that is standing in my way. Now its my car that's going to take about $1000.00 to fix. Yes my fault because I've been putting things off until I could afford to fix everything but come on now. Before i couldn't afford to buy this, I can't even sell that, you have two sheds of stuff {product} you can't sell. We have no space, you don't know how. Maybe this is the final sign? Maybe all this stuff keeps happening because maybe it isn't what i was meant to do whether I really want it or not. Whether it is my dream to own my own business and get out from under someone else trying to dictate how i should look, act, feel, dress, etc. I am angry as hell because in some way maybe this is true!!!! On the other hand, maybe I'm angry because I know it is what I want and I am struggling really freaking hard to get it. I want something meaningful out of my life. I want people to remember me as the one that helped that Boys and Girls Club, I want to be remembered as the one who took out of her days to help needy families. I want my children, my grandchildren to look back and see how hard I tried for years to build for their future and obtained and kept it. I want to hand down a family run business with good values, warm hearts, and smiles that will last forever and go down in history as such. I'm going to make this happen and no one is going to stand in my way. I'm getting really aggravated with someone or something trying to make me cave.

Peace and Love
Lucy M.

Uncertainty

There comes a time to step back and see everything with both eyes and your heart. Know when it's time to take that deep breath and be aware of everything that is coming at you full force. No matter how much you love someone even if its a friend or significant other when words are spout out at you out of anger weather it be your fault or theirs it hurts. It physically hurts to know that someone has such meaness, unkind things to say about you to you. When influenced by alcohol or peers it's still painful if not deadly. How do you take it? How are you suppose to live looking at that person and hear those things but in the same breathe they tell you they are in love you. Heart and Soul!  I want to know what goes through their minds. Trying to do the right things, saying the right things, feeling the right way, thinking a certain way, etc. Nobody is perfect. Nobody can live on eggshells every single day wondering should they say this, should i not look that way, should i smile or frown? This is for both sides of any relationship. This is for men and women. Even more so for humans who suffer from mental illness and judgement by whom ever isn't the creator. People who hear this often then sit back and wonder am i worth it? Am i worth enough just for you to stop and love me? Am i not enough? All of these uncertainties are more profound in some then others. Many show it on their face, demeanor, and style. Others hide it very well under what i call the "The Masks of My Different Forms"

Peace, Love and Harmony

Lucy M.

Justification

How do you justify hurt, pain, dismantled emotions. People screw with other humans lives to some how feel better about themselves. They will try to steal your money, material things and what not but what they don't realize is they're only causing damage on themselves. Everything in life is replaceable except yourself. There will always be money to be made, things to be bought, places to live lada dida da. Every human being stays clear of truth because their scared of getting hurt or hurting someone else. I find honesty is the best policy but I too stay clear. Not of telling a truth but committing omission. Mostly about how i feel inside because i bury things or shut down. Do you ever feel like someone close to you hides things? Doesn't tell you things because of fear of losing you an what you have? Do you fear that things are going on behind your back whether it be friends or loved ones? Sometimes i feel driven into the way I am and that in itself is scary. Sometimes people subconsciously let fear set in and they drift into another place out of that fear. Almost like shifting gears in a car. It's automatically going to go in the direction in which you shift as long as the transmission {your brain} is in proper working order.

Peace & Love,
Lucy M.

Fear is what drives us!

You will always carry hope in your heart that your children will do bigger and better than you could ever do. You have to hold on tight no matter how old they get to help and guide them specially when they have disabilities. Also on the other hand let go enough so they have to learn how to maintain a suitable life. I know this blog is in twisted tongue but my son is 23 years old and is having such issues in his life I fear what it is doing to him. I believe he is extremely depressed it scares the hell out of me. It kills me because I can only do so much. I haven't been there for him like I should of been. I could've been a better mother and guided him better. I am angry, hurt, heart broken and so much more. This is a younger picture of both my kids but they look the same. I love them so much.

The Cost Is Real

Why is it everything costs more than your car or home? Want to start my own business but the capital to start is crazy. I would love to have my own clothing exchange but sweet Jesus you have a little bit of things in collection and want to try and fix it all. People do not like giving second chances. With the cost of living and self growth is tearing people apart. I am prepared to do what i need to do and would be able to afford to pay the bills in collection when my business is up and running. I get real tired of trying. I just let federal taxes pay my school loans but that doesn't seem to be good enough either.

Love, Peace, and Harmony
Lucy