Love And War: Is there a reason?

Love And War: Is there a reason?: Is there a legitimate reason I feel the way I do? Is there a concrete message that I am being sent and not knowing or realizing what it'...

Love And War: Understanding Bipolar and Depression in layman terms

Love And War: Understanding Bipolar and Depression in layman terms: I am a patient at North Star Behavioral Center and I have learned so much about my diseases such as PTSD, bipolar, depression and anxiety. T...

Love And War: Untold Insecurities

Love And War: Untold Insecurities: I fell deep inside the rabbit hole of what I thought was filled with promise, a push to believe in myself, confidence and a chance to become...

Untold Insecurities

I fell deep inside the rabbit hole of what I thought was filled with promise, a push to believe in myself, confidence and a chance to become fearless. It was all a mirage in my own mind. Filled with stupid and silly teen girl thoughts of being loved in a way that I thought was better. I was led to believe that the one who truly believed in me was loving me wrong. When in fact he was loving me the right way just different. Yes we have had a lot of downs and rough patches but we managed to pull through help each other and get passed whatever allied us. We've helped each other through some really tough times. 

I've wrecked a beautiful thing with the internet and that is the same as cheating. Not once, not twice , but Three times with sacred photos that should never should of been shared with anyone. I now not only lost trust in my partner now it has turned around on me. I can not blame him because I feel like a pig. I'm very insecure about my body and these other people helped with that as disgusting as that sounds. I completely hate myself for it and no one will ever understand the shame i bear inside ever damn day. One of my children know so that makes it even 10x worse and I don't know how to handle that and I'm struggling with it. The mask of shame is thick, fierce, and almost like a permanent marker. I needed a self confidence booster and i didn't believe i was getting from the one i wanted from so i took it in a hole different direction. As hard as my partner will believe this he kind of taught me a little bit of how to do that way. I took it upon myself to be exposed and used as a pawn to satisfy another, in the mean time I'm becoming more and more depressed. I lost all the self respect I thought I had for myself. When i go into public I wonder did that see me or this one? How could I have done this to my family or my children or my grandchild? 

I guess I set myself up for self destruction and didn't even realize it. I have had bad dreams lately and I am not sure what they mean but they are self harm dreams. The first one I was standing naked in front of my full length mirror starring back and forth at my weight bench and my body holding a knife in my hand and I slit both my wrist  long ways as if I wanted to die. I've never dreamed of that before. I have thought about how the world would be with out me but that was just thoughts not action type things. Then I had another dream two nights later standing in front of the same mirror looking at the same naked body and my wrists were bandaged but i still had the knife. This time I cut a deep cross over my heart and 5-6 deep slashes all over my abdomen. I don't know what these dreams mean. I was told not to read to much into them but to me they mean something because I don't normally dream for 1. For 2 they felt very real and I woke up very shaky and sweaty. Finally, there has been a series of events this week following my dreams that have my nerves twisted into many directions. 

Whether I let someone use me or not I still let it happen and hurt the people I hold the closest to me but why? Is there a rhyme or reason to this craziness? Do I not really know what my self worth really is? Or what it really means? Is there really a need to feel wanted for affection, sexually, physically, and unconditionally through others eyes to make you feel some type of way in your relationship with another? What would drive one to go that far after 5 years?