Is there a reason?

Is there a legitimate reason I feel the way I do? Is there a concrete message that I am being sent and not knowing or realizing what it's meant to tell me? I feel more a lone than usual and because feeling like such a failure is so over whelming. I've been feeling like this for a while now. I'm exhausted because I am always stonewalled when it comes to the business i want to start. For god sake I've been trying to get it up for two and a half years now. Every damn time I try to get hooked up with the right people and have the courage, ambition and positive thought I get slammed in the face yet again for the hundredth time. Every time I turn around there is always something that is standing in my way. Now its my car that's going to take about $1000.00 to fix. Yes my fault because I've been putting things off until I could afford to fix everything but come on now. Before i couldn't afford to buy this, I can't even sell that, you have two sheds of stuff {product} you can't sell. We have no space, you don't know how. Maybe this is the final sign? Maybe all this stuff keeps happening because maybe it isn't what i was meant to do whether I really want it or not. Whether it is my dream to own my own business and get out from under someone else trying to dictate how i should look, act, feel, dress, etc. I am angry as hell because in some way maybe this is true!!!! On the other hand, maybe I'm angry because I know it is what I want and I am struggling really freaking hard to get it. I want something meaningful out of my life. I want people to remember me as the one that helped that Boys and Girls Club, I want to be remembered as the one who took out of her days to help needy families. I want my children, my grandchildren to look back and see how hard I tried for years to build for their future and obtained and kept it. I want to hand down a family run business with good values, warm hearts, and smiles that will last forever and go down in history as such. I'm going to make this happen and no one is going to stand in my way. I'm getting really aggravated with someone or something trying to make me cave.

Peace and Love
Lucy M.

Uncertainty

There comes a time to step back and see everything with both eyes and your heart. Know when it's time to take that deep breath and be aware of everything that is coming at you full force. No matter how much you love someone even if its a friend or significant other when words are spout out at you out of anger weather it be your fault or theirs it hurts. It physically hurts to know that someone has such meaness, unkind things to say about you to you. When influenced by alcohol or peers it's still painful if not deadly. How do you take it? How are you suppose to live looking at that person and hear those things but in the same breathe they tell you they are in love you. Heart and Soul!  I want to know what goes through their minds. Trying to do the right things, saying the right things, feeling the right way, thinking a certain way, etc. Nobody is perfect. Nobody can live on eggshells every single day wondering should they say this, should i not look that way, should i smile or frown? This is for both sides of any relationship. This is for men and women. Even more so for humans who suffer from mental illness and judgement by whom ever isn't the creator. People who hear this often then sit back and wonder am i worth it? Am i worth enough just for you to stop and love me? Am i not enough? All of these uncertainties are more profound in some then others. Many show it on their face, demeanor, and style. Others hide it very well under what i call the "The Masks of My Different Forms"

Peace, Love and Harmony

Lucy M.