Is there a reason?

Is there a legitimate reason I feel the way I do? Is there a concrete message that I am being sent and not knowing or realizing what it's meant to tell me? I feel more a lone than usual and because feeling like such a failure is so over whelming. I've been feeling like this for a while now. I'm exhausted because I am always stonewalled when it comes to the business i want to start. For god sake I've been trying to get it up for two and a half years now. Every damn time I try to get hooked up with the right people and have the courage, ambition and positive thought I get slammed in the face yet again for the hundredth time. Every time I turn around there is always something that is standing in my way. Now its my car that's going to take about $1000.00 to fix. Yes my fault because I've been putting things off until I could afford to fix everything but come on now. Before i couldn't afford to buy this, I can't even sell that, you have two sheds of stuff {product} you can't sell. We have no space, you don't know how. Maybe this is the final sign? Maybe all this stuff keeps happening because maybe it isn't what i was meant to do whether I really want it or not. Whether it is my dream to own my own business and get out from under someone else trying to dictate how i should look, act, feel, dress, etc. I am angry as hell because in some way maybe this is true!!!! On the other hand, maybe I'm angry because I know it is what I want and I am struggling really freaking hard to get it. I want something meaningful out of my life. I want people to remember me as the one that helped that Boys and Girls Club, I want to be remembered as the one who took out of her days to help needy families. I want my children, my grandchildren to look back and see how hard I tried for years to build for their future and obtained and kept it. I want to hand down a family run business with good values, warm hearts, and smiles that will last forever and go down in history as such. I'm going to make this happen and no one is going to stand in my way. I'm getting really aggravated with someone or something trying to make me cave.

Peace and Love
Lucy M.

Uncertainty

There comes a time to step back and see everything with both eyes and your heart. Know when it's time to take that deep breath and be aware of everything that is coming at you full force. No matter how much you love someone even if its a friend or significant other when words are spout out at you out of anger weather it be your fault or theirs it hurts. It physically hurts to know that someone has such meaness, unkind things to say about you to you. When influenced by alcohol or peers it's still painful if not deadly. How do you take it? How are you suppose to live looking at that person and hear those things but in the same breathe they tell you they are in love you. Heart and Soul!  I want to know what goes through their minds. Trying to do the right things, saying the right things, feeling the right way, thinking a certain way, etc. Nobody is perfect. Nobody can live on eggshells every single day wondering should they say this, should i not look that way, should i smile or frown? This is for both sides of any relationship. This is for men and women. Even more so for humans who suffer from mental illness and judgement by whom ever isn't the creator. People who hear this often then sit back and wonder am i worth it? Am i worth enough just for you to stop and love me? Am i not enough? All of these uncertainties are more profound in some then others. Many show it on their face, demeanor, and style. Others hide it very well under what i call the "The Masks of My Different Forms"

Peace, Love and Harmony

Lucy M.

Justification

How do you justify hurt, pain, dismantled emotions. People screw with other humans lives to some how feel better about themselves. They will try to steal your money, material things and what not but what they don't realize is they're only causing damage on themselves. Everything in life is replaceable except yourself. There will always be money to be made, things to be bought, places to live lada dida da. Every human being stays clear of truth because their scared of getting hurt or hurting someone else. I find honesty is the best policy but I too stay clear. Not of telling a truth but committing omission. Mostly about how i feel inside because i bury things or shut down. Do you ever feel like someone close to you hides things? Doesn't tell you things because of fear of losing you an what you have? Do you fear that things are going on behind your back whether it be friends or loved ones? Sometimes i feel driven into the way I am and that in itself is scary. Sometimes people subconsciously let fear set in and they drift into another place out of that fear. Almost like shifting gears in a car. It's automatically going to go in the direction in which you shift as long as the transmission {your brain} is in proper working order.

Peace & Love,
Lucy M.

Fear is what drives us!

You will always carry hope in your heart that your children will do bigger and better than you could ever do. You have to hold on tight no matter how old they get to help and guide them specially when they have disabilities. Also on the other hand let go enough so they have to learn how to maintain a suitable life. I know this blog is in twisted tongue but my son is 23 years old and is having such issues in his life I fear what it is doing to him. I believe he is extremely depressed it scares the hell out of me. It kills me because I can only do so much. I haven't been there for him like I should of been. I could've been a better mother and guided him better. I am angry, hurt, heart broken and so much more. This is a younger picture of both my kids but they look the same. I love them so much.

The Cost Is Real

Why is it everything costs more than your car or home? Want to start my own business but the capital to start is crazy. I would love to have my own clothing exchange but sweet Jesus you have a little bit of things in collection and want to try and fix it all. People do not like giving second chances. With the cost of living and self growth is tearing people apart. I am prepared to do what i need to do and would be able to afford to pay the bills in collection when my business is up and running. I get real tired of trying. I just let federal taxes pay my school loans but that doesn't seem to be good enough either.

Love, Peace, and Harmony
Lucy

Is it Normal

I stop to think about events going on in my life lately. It's not about being unhappy or loving your partner it's really about the gains and losses that happen during the relationship. How much is one or the other suppose to endure before things are normal again? But then what is normal is my big question lately. Are we suppose to put up with things that get hidden, deleted, or some excuse given for the actions we consciously make? Whether something physically happened or not the intent was still there by all means. It's scary when you get bull dozed with such things everyday or even every week. Always someone or something pops up. What type of person just sits back and lets it happen continuously? Iv'e set back and thought about it many times. I know so many people that is going through this all the time and it is heart breaking.

Everybody has a story to tell whether it be today, tomorrow, or ten years from now. We are destine to tell our own story no matter how good or bad it may be. Is it fair to say there is a place and time for you to talk about whatever it is that's on your mind? Why are so many think they have the right to dictate when a story gets told? I for one am the type of person who can tell a story and don't care. Okay maybe not so much as don't care but no one is going to treat me like I'm nothing or don't matter. I'm strong willed, stubborn and know my self worth. I know what I'm capable of and i have no problem showing it. Yes a lot of the times I do over do it but hey when I set my mind to do something for the ones I love and even for people I never met before I try my hardest to make sure they're happy. I love to recycle donated things that have been donated to me. I love to share the kindness that has been shown to me. But in the end the shit stick gets thrown in there some where by some one who doesn't share the same enthusiasm and then you're crushed. I put a lot of things on hold because it is never the right time for anything but i feel it's not fair. I'm 45 and who knows what tomorrow brings. My dream is my store. Is it going to happen I don't know because getting a loan for something this precious to me is insane. I get really exhausted at times trying to prove myself. Having bad credit, yes is mainly my own fault but,on the other hand, nobody cares. They want to rebuild communities but are to scared to help that happen. Thoughts and advice are welcome.

Love, Peace, and Happiness
Lucy

Curiousity

Do we just get used to certain things in our life just to avoid confrontation? Do we let time and space between others build and numbify how we really feel just because? It's a scary thought when you really sit down and think of everything you have put aside or on the back burner because of fear. I believe we all as humans do it just because it's safer or less stressful, but is it healthy? We are creatures of habit forming actions, like which sneaker we put on first or which leg we start with when we put on pants. So when we are told something repeatedly it sinks in and stays. It's difficult to break good or bad habits only because we convince ourselves its okay. This all came to me in the middle of the night and I couldn't wrap myself around my own answers.

common interests

There will always be a time or two in your life that you'll find someone with common interest's as you. Life isn't simple anymore like it used to be when we were kids. Everybody that you hung with or friends with enjoyed the same things. When you lay in bed next to the love of my life trying to concentrate on my blog as i listen to his youtube videos about aliens annoys the crap out of me. But i enjoy listening to him laugh and get excited because it's something he enjoys. Relationships are all about give and take, along with arguments and love, patience, understanding.

Peace, Love and Happiness,
Lucy